PicoBlog

In many ways, my entire lacrosse writer life has been leading up to this article. This is, in numerous avenues, a confluence of personal challenges and my own philosophies as a player, a coach, and an analyst.

A common axiom that is shared and perpetuated by coaches from the beginning of time is that anyone of any size can play lacrosse. So, what would happen if a team of players that were all 5’ 9’’ or shorter played against a team of guys that were all 6’ 3’’ or taller? If you believe that lacrosse is a game that can be played by anyone of any size the answer is not simply that the bigger guys win. Power does not always beat speed. In fact, it rarely does. But for the sake of this exercise, let’s at least attempt to build out an entire professional lacrosse roster of players that are all 5’ 9’’ and under this week and next week build out a team where everyone is 6’ 3’’ and over. Does that eliminate almost 70-80% of the league? It does. But that’s why it’s going to be fun. 

Now, we’re going to have to make allowances for one inch above or below the limit to complete the teams because if we didn’t do that we would only have three poles for Team Small and only defensemen and some giant midfielders on Team Tall. With that in mind, both squads will have TWO exception spots where a player may be 5’ 10’’ or 6’ 2’’. 

We’re also going to try and build a real team. Shooters, feeders, dodgers, Cover and help defensemen, an off the ground LSM and a defensive LSM, goalies with different styles, all of it. 

To the players: look - I’m sorry that 5’ 9’’ is the cut-off here. But it could be worse, I could be listing your roster height and then putting how tall I really think you are next to that, but I don’t want to be that guy. It’s called Team Small because Smalls Versus Talls just works on both a structural and narrative level. Am I saying that you’re short if you’re 5’ 9’’? I mean, no, but all of the women that look at your online dating profile do, so that’s the standard. Sorry, bro, they ARE all laughing at y- No...they’re laughing at us. But we’ll get through this together, my vertically challenged brethren. 

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile

Welcome to #TeamSMOL. 

Attackmen

Grant Ament, Archers

The reliable playmaker, Ament is a sophomore pro handling a league-leading Archers offense this summer. With did-him-dirty-as-possible dodges and silky feeds, he is as dangerous as he is prolific and was the first on the call sheet for Team Small. 

Will Manny, Archers

The perfect compliment both in real life and on this team to Ament, Manny’s one-touch finishing has been on another level so far this season. His off-ball movement is such that he rotates through his low wing spot with both nonchalant grace and chaotic jab cuts. Have you ever seen a wing shooter turn into a crease finisher without actually being on the crease? You have, and his name is Will Manny. 

Jeff Teat, Atlas

The wildcard to full out the starting attack, everyone went gaga over Teat’s explosive second game performance because of his numbers. But for me, the thing that stuck out was his ability to shift and work in different positions on the field. He floated up top, to the far wing, on the crease, and even up high in the slot, pulling defenders towards and away from him like his jersey was lined with meathead-specific magnets. 

Jordan Wolf, Chrome

He is on injured reserve, but make no mistake the Wolf is no cub. When healthy he’s the most dangerous dodger because he uses his quickness and his lower center of gravity to get underneath defensemen. He is the power forward of dodging X-attackmen. Get well soon, Wolf. 

Matt Kavanagh, Redwoods

Do I need another lefty? Probably not, but everyone loves lefties these days. Kavanagh’s last two years have been inconsistent, but I’ll never forget when he went off for 9 points in the 2018 MLL title game for the Outlaws and big-timed a podcast I was hosting afterward. I get it. Hard to top a nine-point outing by talking with someone that just wants to help your career. People don’t forget. 

Michael Sowers, Waterdogs

Also currently injured, but everyone needs a backup playmaker and we only received an aperitif of his potential in the PLL. Once he’s healthy, he also brings competition for places into the squad and might push a few of the more fleet of foot onto a midfield line. 

Midfielders

Christian Mazzone, Archers

Referring to someone as a “utility midfielder” used to be cause for a shocking DM from the said player, but now the term has softened enough that guys take it as the compliment it has always been intended to be. Part of the reason for that is Christian Mazzone and the other part is that Matt Abbott has seemingly always existed. On this team, Mazzone plays on the first O-line and the wing for draws, hopefully occupying a pole that would be otherwise engaged from the jump.

Pat Harbeson, Redwoods

Long ago in a far-off land called Concord, someone once described short-stick defensive midfielders to me as “the barbacks of lacrosse”. This was not meant to slight either vocation; it was an observation made without malice. P-Harb does more than the average SSDM and he does it with the fury of a man two inches smaller than his perfect 5’ 7’’ frame. No one loves a 50/50 ball more; I would want no other SSDM matched up against an overconfident midfielder that hangs their stick behind their hip like a rapier. Harbeson is my acerbic Reepicheep. 

Kyle Jackson, Chaos

A dodger that can create his own shot is a must for any pro offense. But a dodger than can create his own shot AND navigate pick play? That’s where Jackson excels. He’s also shown an ability to get open on the crease as of late, see also his one-handed catch and underhand sizzler a few weeks ago. 

Ryan McNamara, Archers

If I need someone to stick the PLL equivalent of a long-range jump shot just inside the two-point line, McNamara is one of my top three guys. That shot is both infuriating and necessary and McNamara hits it ALL the time in the MLL. He did it so often that I almost named such a practice “The McNamara” in 2019. By the way - why has no one tried to wear white cleats with a turf green toe cap yet? Overturn that, ya blind zebras. 

Joel Tinney, Atlas

Underused, underappreciated, underwhelming - two of these three descriptions can be used for Tinney’s last two seasons after a stellar introductory PLL campaign. He should be used in a way to showcase his more violent tendencies on and off-ball. Not necessarily defensively, but on the offensive end as a designated dry picker and blind rub screener. Make the perceived malcontent the glue guy? In this economy? That’s how Team Small wins. 

Steven DeNapoli, Waterdogs

A true wingman in every sense of the word on the field, DeNapoli has been through the MLL forever wars and come out on the other side. He’s certainly worse for the wear in terms of personal health, but show me a pro lacrosse player that isn’t. He can score on the break, battle for a clutch loose ball, and bring an intimidating presence with a wicked one-handed ax chop check.

Ethan Walker, Waterdogs

One of the “oh, no way he’s 5’ 9’’?” selections on this roster, Walker brings a calming presence to a midfield full of jittery firebrands. There are players that seem to glide through games and Walker is one of them. Whether he has the ball or not, he’s always edging closer to the inside cylinder. He’s one pass away from a deadly release and one shot away from bar down town. 

FOGoes

TD Ierlan, Redwoods

When I found out that TD Ierlan was one of us, I damn near fainted. I was leaving the sanctity of the press box at Gillette to go check out the game action on the field in week one when his name and height popped up on a monitor next to the elevator. It was like opening a birthday present that someone wrapped to look like a book but it was actually the video game that you secretly wanted. One of us. One of US. ONE OF US!

Drew Simoneau, Cannons

D-Simms looks like a surly, but disinterested, Lucha libre wrestler that’s been unceremoniously unmasked in most of his headshots, but he is a great addition to the squad. He’s also a New Hampshire native, which gives him an advantage over pretty much any other candidate. He’s had some gutty performances so far this season for the Cannons and hopefully, his move to the Whips nets him that coveted championship he so richly deserves.

LSM’s

John Moderski, Chrome

The Moderski of old would surely have been first on the call sheet. Coming back from a devastating knee injury he’s had a little less sting in his wand this summer, but he’s going to get back to his tricky takeaway ways. I’m sure of it. These Villanova guys love to practice their Patronus charms in July so they come good in August.

*Kyle Pless, Atlas

The first exception player taken is former Rutgers and Outlaws pole, Pless. I actually don’t think Pless is even 5’ 10’’ because he plays and looks much taller on the field during aggressive play. But roster chicanery aside, I think Pless has had an incredible season for the Atlas. Transitioning from the MLL to the PLL in the role that Pless has been asked to undertake is wildly difficult.

Defensemen

BJ Grill, Waterdogs and Nick Grill, Whipsnakes

I mean, they don’t get two write-ups because they play exactly the same style of defense - low man wins. They get underneath hips and drive even the strongest players away from where they want to be, which is really what most defensemen are supposed to do - make you go where you don’t want to go. BJ adds the element of being the commander of the backline and Nick brings hip-popping hits and a tendency to burn upfield and key a break. Little lightning, little thunder.

*John Sexton, Redwoods 

Yes, he’s mostly an LSM, but I needed to move one of the exception poles down to close because having both of them be LSM’s would be weird. Besides, Sexton is the great-off-the-ground guardian of the goal line and as such should be used as a clear buster in this team anyway. And, actually, on any team that he plays for.

Goalies

Adam Ghitelman, Archers

This is just to prove that while someone may have blocked you on Twitter for no reason you can still respect their craft enough to write about them. Ghitelman is good. He’s the best goalie under 5’ 9’’ even though he would be better if he played a higher arc and stopped switching his hands and always ran out of the cage like he’s looking for the smoke. Deep down in my stomach with every inch of me, I pure straight hate you [for blocking me on Twitter with an account that you know I would love to interact with]. But goddammit do I respect you. 

Brian Phipps, Whipsnakes

Could this be the Atlas’ JD Colarusso after this past weekend? It could, but let’s make space for the greatest pro lacrosse backup goalie of all time: Brian Phipps. He also happens to be one of the best locker room guys and he can take a joke. Something most goalies don’t understand or care to appreciate. Why are you all so damn weird? Why can’t you be chill like Phipps? 

Stay tuned next week for the debut of Team Tall and then the hypothetical oral history of these teams’ titanic one-time tilt against one another. 

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