Why a Substack? - by Tracy Beanz
I have been doing the work of reporting on all of the terrible things happening in our world for YEARS now - in some serious detail. And it started to seriously take its toll on me. Human trafficking DESTROYED my soul to report on. Several times, I vomited while researching stories. I didn’t think I was, but I was holding all of that pain right in my heart space. Political corruption? It ran the gamut. It made me so very angry - furious even. And you could argue quite successfully all of it was RIGHTEOUS indignation. I still report on it to this day. It’s not just surface level, either. I get DEEP into those weeds. I need to know every detail. It’s just how I am wired. Health freedom? Anyone who knows me knows I took the COVID tyranny to another level. I still do. I take it inside myself to fight for everyone wronged by COVID. Vaccine mandates, vaccine injury, lost loved ones, spouses, children, family? Your struggle is MY struggle. I have been there too. I seek to be a voice for myself and the voiceless. But I was holding ALL of it in my heart space. I held it all there so tightly I did the only thing I knew to do in order to save myself.
I stopped feeling altogether.
This went on for years. None of this was visible to the outside world, or maybe it was and I am naive. I realized one day, sitting in the fresh air, that I felt nothing. Where I used to find my peace and tranquility, and where I used to take a deep breath and feel the world around me, I found… empty. I stopped feeling any happiness. I stopped feeling any sort of joy. I stopped feeling any, well, anything. And my life was suffering because of it. My business was suffering because of it. Everything was really, really hard. Family was having health challenges. I noticed people attacking me. Life just wasn’t good for me. At all. In that one moment, I realized that I really, really missed just feeling. I missed being human. I missed being sad. I missed being joyful. I missed feeling love. So, I reached for the only feeling I was close to; anger.
Oh boy, did I find that really easily. My anger was enough for a thousand worlds. And, again, by all accounts, it was righteous. I was feeling again, at least. But what I quickly learned was that anger really isn’t the feeling you want to walk around with all day either, even if there are millions of people who are ALSO feeling that way. You tend to draw them all to you when you are constantly walking around emitting that frequency.
And with the anger came A LOT more that I hadn’t bargained for. There was jealousy, there was shame for being jealous, there was resentment - all of this was taking a toll on my health, on my work product, and on my relationships with my husband and my children. I fell backward, and I fell hard. Scrapes, bruises, insomnia, and all.
One day a while later, after spending a significant amount of time wondering what in the ever-living hell I was doing and why, a single question crossed my mind…
Who am I? Not just on a surface level either. Who am I, REALLY? Why am I here? What purpose does God have for me? Why am I doing any of this?
After a lifetime of thinking I was absolutely sure of who I was; the instant I asked that question, I was sure I had absolutely no idea. And I wanted to figure it out. So, I set out on a quest to do just that.
Over the past several years I have explored more about my “Who am I?” than many people out there. And it’s likely that all of you probably saw this happening without even realizing what was going on. My free time was consumed with research. I explored every last theory I could find. I studied human consciousness, quantum physics, organized religion, not-so-organized religion, metaphysics, spiritual teachings, and more… I am nowhere close to finished yet - we never are. But I want to tell you how I made my way from anger to grief, to sadness, to happiness, to abundance, and finally, to joy - even while continuing to do the work I do.
I want to show you what has worked for me and how, at 43 years old, I am finally realizing who I truly am, and how it all comes down to God.
This won’t be for everyone. It’s going to be raw and honest. There are other places you can follow me if you want to know what I am doing professionally. But, if you too are curious about who you really are, and you want to take this journey with me?
This is for you. So, sign up if it feels choiceless to you! (We will talk more about what that means in coming articles if it doesn’t make sense.) And, if this isn’t your cup of tea that is absolutely fine as well.
If there is one lesson I have learned along this YEARS-long journey I have been taking, it’s never to ignore your gut… And I have done that for FAR too long now.
So off we go…
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